I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
