i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Vodka?
Forever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
