what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
