I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
