The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
