Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
