this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize