Christians are straight up FREAKS
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
