he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My penis needs a shock collar
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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