hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
