I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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