I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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