Plan B is the new Plan A
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
