I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
