I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
