Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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