What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
