I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
