Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
