I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
