I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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