They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Small penises have feelings too.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
