Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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