And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
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They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize