I am puke
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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