Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
