she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
