Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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