I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
