I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
