i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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