Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
