Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
