i think my mom watched the whole time
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Im part way to drunk.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
