proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
