It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
