we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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