K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
