My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
