he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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