fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
