Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
