Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
