Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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