Umm I'm too high to move.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.