Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.