So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
