Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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