Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
