How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
