I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
