his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
