haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
