You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
