Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
