You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
