worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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